Phantom Menace

 

The Phantom Menace

Sound the Alarm!

The human race is under threat from an insidious and largely unrecognized threat, a threat that could wipe out the species if not properly appreciated and dealt with.

I refer to the potentially lethal effects of a fundamental law of the universe, one so cleverly disguised and hidden that few are aware of it. But it is not too late to raise consciousness and take precautions.

The fundamental law in play here is known as

The Law of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects

Aka the LPIA. It’s not actually a law. It’s a corollary of Murphy’s Law (If anything can go wrong, it will). The LPIA reads as follows:

Inanimate objects have malign intent towards human beings.

That’s right. You read that correctly. The LPIA assumes (correctly) that IAs have intent and that they also possess emotions, malignity being the chiefest and foremost. I make no attempt to support those assumptions. If the actions of IAs since the year zero do not convince you of the assumption’s validity, nothing ever will.

The LPIA has four of its own corollaries. In any situation, an IA will attempt to implement the corollaries in order, from 1 to 4.

Corollary 1: An IA’s first preference is to kill the human target if at all possible.

Corollary 2: If C1 cannot be implemented, the IA will attempt to seriously maim or injure the human target.

Corollary 3: If C2 cannot be implemented, the IA will attempt to inflict less drastic injury on the human target. (But the attempted injury will be as drastic as is possible under the circumstances.)

Corollary 4: If C3 cannot be implemented, the IA will at the very least attempt to annoy the human target as much as is possible.

Most people do not think about these interactions, and that is why the LPIA is so dangerous. That is also why this call for awareness is so timely. The CDC estimates that 243,681 people lose their lives every year in interactions with IAs, and the number is increasing at an accelerating rate annually. ¹ And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It is impossible to estimate the untold numbers of humans who fall victim to C2 thru C4 each year. It is likely that the devastation and misery is staggering.

Here at The Universal Trawler, we believe that forewarned is forewarned. So be aware, be alert. Be extremely careful at all times when interacting with an IA. Assume it is trying to kill you. Spare your loved ones the burden of bearing such a tragedy. ² Increase the odds that the human race will survive.

Footnotes

¹The CDC no longer provides such estimates because hardly anyone works there anymore during the current political regime.

²If no one loves you, be alert anyway.